How I Increase My Emotional Availability — And Succeed in Relationships
“Don’t get emotional” is probably the worst relationships advice ever.
I used to find myself dating someone for about 3–6 months, it was evident that we had a lot in common, not to mention great chemistry, yet something didn't feel quite right.
The person was unwilling to enter conversations about their emotional experiences or their life, interests, wants, and needs.
That evident lack of investment made me question whether they even liked me.
Then again, their involvement continued, so I reasoned that they must have feelings for me.
The good news was that they probably did.
The bad news was that I was emotionally unavailable — not the other person.
I was projecting my own emotionally unavailable to all of my relationships, reflecting my feelings instead of offering my own.
After entering the rabbit hole, I could see the frustration and distress I had caused those around me by being emotionally unavailable. I saw so much of my parent's emotional unavailability that it made me sick.
At first, it felt like a blow to my existence, My first reaction was to enter victim mode, but after a while, I could start to see the possibility of Empowerment.
The prospect of maybe one day having an intimate relationship was intriguing to me.
So this is what I want to share with you today, how I stopped being emotionally unavailable— and started to succeed in my relationships.
I allow emotions to be a natural topic of any conversation
"Don't get emotional" is probably the worst relationships advice ever.
Emotional is NOT the same as drama. Used right, emotions are a powerful way of connecting.
I have learned to allow emotions to be a natural topic of any conversation.
Expressing my emotion and creating space for others has been a true game-changer in all my relationships
Understanding my feelings and how that affects my conversations with others has been crucial in being emotionally available.
I have this approach to relationships (that I never had in the past). I always take time to find out what's going with the other person and me emotionally–right at the beginning of the conversation.
In practical terms, it is the act of delaying or stopping myself from saying something that might sound harsh or judgmental–even if I don't quite have my emotions entirely in check.
I need to know how I feel before I interact with someone else. Otherwise, I will continue projecting all my shit into the conversation and, ultimately, the relationship.
I addressed addictions that used to cut me off from my emotional interactions
All form of addiction is a huge source of emotional unavailability in relationships.
We live in an addiction warzone most of the time, and it is easier than ever to zone out, self-medicate or engage in different types of self-soothing behaviors.
For me, it was comfort foods and sugar.
In today's society, most of us have become accustomed to a wide range of highly addictive, destructive, distracting, and numbing behaviors to the point that we no longer link our disconnection in relationships to our behaviors
When I started to address my dysfunctional relation to food, I could see how I was showing up in my relationships, meaning I was not showing up at all.
All types of addictions are ultimately distractions causing emotional disconnection in all relationships.
As long as I am stuck in any addiction, I will be emotionally available to others.
I keep physically healthy- prioritizing sleep, nutrition, and exercise
The fact that physical health, food, and sleep significantly impact emotional availability is where I get the most resistance from people, mainly because it runs so deep and threatens their identity.
For a long time, I ignored the fact that I was living in a body that didn't work on a day-to-day basis. I was fat, and dragging around with all that weight was exhausting, but the most significant damage was the discomfort I felt in my own body.
Walking around in my fat body drained all the energy out of me.
When I prioritized my physical health, sleep, nutrition, and exercise, I started to wake up rested, more energized, and confident. I observed myself judging less and being more open.
In psychology, this is called self signaling behavior.
Whenever I choose or take action, I signal to myself what type of person I am, and my beliefs and identity are repeatedly reinforced.
Much of my mental and physical health comes from sleep, nutrition, and exercise. These are the building blocks, the very foundation from which I build my life—no physical health -No emotional unavailability period.
Why?
Because when the body is under attack, I mostly live in a state of stress response and repair — the body does not prioritize mental health or emotional unavailability over damage control.
When in flight or fight, these are the only two options.
I learned to respond emphatically
Emotional scientists commonly define the emphatic response as our ability to sense other people's feelings, coupled with our ability to imagine what someone else is likely to be thinking or feeling.
"Cognitive empathy," sometimes called "perspective taking," refers to our ability to identify and understand other people's feelings.
I was no longer in survival mode, and I now found myself with the necessary resources to engage with the world
Slowly, I identified and understood my feelings, which created space and curiosity to start engaging with the world in a very different way.
I found myself in a place I had never been before. I started to acknowledge my pain, which led me to show interest in other people's feelings.
IT SLOWLY BECAME A WAY OF LIVING when I encouraged and supported myself and started to integrate the same encouragement in my relationships.
Empathy has allowed me to build connections I never thought were possible.
I learned to expand my vocabulary of emotional words
The lack of emotional literacy had affected the way I engaged in relationships for more than three decades before I took the time to develop an emotional vocabulary.
Why is this important?
Well, for starters, it enables me to have more answers than 'good' or 'bad' when someone asks me how I feel.
I used to give my feelings a moral value (as good or bad), reinforcing the shame and guilt I felt, inhibiting my ability to identify and acknowledge my emotions and others.
I was emotionally illiterate, and it was ruining my relationships.
The takeaway is to expand your vocabulary of expressive words and learn to communicate empathically with others.
I avoid problem-solving and giving advice
I learned to avoid problem-solving and give advice.
Never, ever try to give others advice or try to solve their problems, because most often people don't take the advice and do as they feel anyway.
Now, here I am sharing my life with you and giving advice, I have much to learn, and I don't live as I preach, but at the same time, I hope that someone so fed up with suffering comes along and gives it a shot.
One never knows ;)
What do I do instead? I ask people what they think the solution is and what advice they would give me if I were in their shoes.
I focus on my bodily sensations, and I identify those physical sensations with specific emotions
On my screensaver, I have these words:
THE ONLY FOCUS IS YOU
It is a reminder to focus only on my bodily sensations and identify them with specific emotions.
At first, focusing on myself seemed selfish, and over time I have learned that it is an act of self-love. The act of focusing on others made me put my needs and myself last on all lists I ever made.
When I started to build a strong self-relationship, I began to return my focus to myself.
Just think about children and how they interact with the world until about the age of seven.
Most kids are masters at only focusing on themselves, and by the time they start school, we adults have taken that out of them.
So, try to remember times when you were only focusing on yourself.
I love the analogy of the oxygen mask on an airplane. First, I put on my mask and help my children and others.
You do you and focus on you and let everyone else do their thing.
That is true self-love and the best gift you can give someone.
I show vulnerability. I acknowledge fear, uncertainty, and insecurity
Most of the unhappiness that I ever felt in my life stems from my inability to acknowledge fear, uncertainty, and insecurity and show up in the world as the vulnerable human being I am.
The moment I started to take care of all the mentioned above, I slowly acknowledged my fears, uncertainties, and insecurity. This is a beautiful space to live in, act from, and share with others.
Today I can't imagine my old life back. I am present, and I don't scare or insult people anymore.
In the beginning, I started practicing with people I was comfortable with, and after a while, I took this practice out in the world and started applying it in every encounter.
Summary
Relationships are the only constant in life, and if I don't learn to be emotionally available, I will suffer and make others suffer.
There is another more fulfilling way of living, where we are not merely surviving my relationships that is accessible for all of us.
Sometimes s like in my case, the trauma and scars run too deep, and we can most certainly profit from professional help.
If you can afford psychotherapy, try to see this as an investment in a good life and yourself- not as an expense.
The only thing that I can share with you is not to enter this lightly, meaning that if you are not ready to share and be uncomfortable, it is a waste of time and money.
The first time I sought professional psychotherapy, I was not ready, and I was wasting both my and the therapist's time.
If you are ready, psychotherapy can help you develop the much-needed problem-solving skills, build your confidence, and become more self-aware in general. In turn, these skills will encourage you to take personal responsibility for your actions and learn to manage your mental health.
I hope this was helpful and I wish you the best friend.
